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<li><a href="#my-current-self" id="toc-my-current-self" class="nav-link" data-scroll-target="#my-current-self">My current self</a></li>
<li><a href="#about-sexwork" id="toc-about-sexwork" class="nav-link" data-scroll-target="#about-sexwork">About Sexwork</a></li>
<li><a href="#about-social-media" id="toc-about-social-media" class="nav-link" data-scroll-target="#about-social-media">About Social Media</a></li>
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<div class="quarto-title">
<h1 class="title">Being transparent and open</h1>
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<div class="quarto-category">Struggles</div>
<div class="quarto-category">Experience</div>
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<div class="description">
I do lewd stuff online. I am not hiding it. This tells you why.
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<div class="quarto-title-meta-heading">Author</div>
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<p>Nicole Dresselhaus </p>
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<div class="quarto-title-meta-heading">Published</div>
<div class="quarto-title-meta-contents">
<p class="date">August 23, 2025</p>
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</header>
<section id="premise" class="level2">
<h2 class="anchored" data-anchor-id="premise">Premise</h2>
<p>The idea for this post is thanks to <a href="https://girlcock.club/@miranda/110135572301247954">Miranda</a>. She has the same opinion as me on these things i need to quote the first 2 paragraphs of her post, because i doubt i can write them better:</p>
<blockquote class="blockquote">
<p>I dont like social games. Or more specifically, I like them if they are really <em>games</em>, e.g.&nbsp;things we do willingly and deliberately, for the purpose of having fun or living some other experience, with well defined boundaries and context, and with nothing more at stake than the game itself. Roleplaying games is an activity I love and that is really important to me, and I enjoy playing devious, manipulative, cunning or mysterious characters. But I enjoy it <em>because its a game</em>, I have no interest in being like that in real life, because real life is not a game. We only have one life, we are not fully in control of how we live it, and there are no boundaries. Decisions can have consequences, sometimes drastic and unexpected ones, on both our and others lives. Everything matters.</p>
<p>Besides, I only have one life too, and as Ive been painfully aware for a few years, it will not last forever. I often feel like Im running out of time, or at least that Ive already wasted enough time. Ive suffered and taken bad decisions, hurt myself and other people, dedicated insane amount of time and energy to fruitless and joyless activities, and spent years passing by whole aspects of my life (and overfocusing on the precious few that could bring me some satisfaction), mostly because I did not understand who I am, how I work, and what I desired. I think the previous sentence is something a lot of people can relate to, but I maybe experience it in an extreme way - and yes of course its about transition. Im 38 and Im feeling a whole new world opening to me. The way I consider myself, and the way I relate to others, is transformed. My emotions, light or dark, as running wilder than ever. Im feeling like I have everything to discover, everything to do, and yet Im about twenty years late.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>I mean .. i am 40 instead of 38 - but the rest is so on point. Im also <strong>done with playing games</strong>. I struggled for the better part of my life (basically since i could think) and struggled with mental health issues for the last 25 years. Thats enough. That is time i will never get back. This also means that there so many experiences (good <em>and</em> bad) that i never made. I will never know how it is like to be a student at school or university in my correct gender. Thats why i decided, that the second half of my life i will make the rules.</p>
</section>
<section id="my-current-self" class="level2 page-columns page-full">
<h2 class="anchored" data-anchor-id="my-current-self">My current self</h2>
<p>I enjoy myself very much currently. <strong>I am poly</strong>, as most of my friends are. I <strong>embrace sex-positivity</strong> and are not ashamed of what i do and how much joy it brings me; and i am open about that <strong>and share it</strong> with the world - even on social media.</p>
<p><strong>If you dont want to see that - just dont look for it.</strong> Those things always have a proper content-warning (CW) and every platform or client you use can filter those posts out. But for my part, <strong>I am done hiding.</strong> It has never lead to anything good for me and was only used to exert pressure or power over me<a href="#fn1" class="footnote-ref" id="fnref1" role="doc-noteref"><sup>1</sup></a>. Try to shame or blackmail me with it and i share my public accounts with <em>your</em> colleagues and tell them what <em>you</em> watch in your free time.</p>
<div class="no-row-height column-margin column-container"><div id="fn1"><p><sup>1</sup>&nbsp;Other Example, but similar: At my old job my direct boss told me, that it <em>might</em> not be a good idea to talk our wages with each other - as we all haggled individually in the yearly employee-talk. Fuck this shit.</p></div></div><p>I am also a <strong>relationship anarchist</strong>. Things are just, what they are. If we do platonic bondage without any sexual intent or drive through half of Europe for a weekend of kinky sex - the dynamics of a single relationship are foremost only relevant to the two people within the relationship. And i very much enjoy it this way. Nothing is forced, everything can happen, but nothing HAS to happen. Of course this does not mean, that my partners dont have a say in anything and i do only what <em>i</em> want - communication is the key here.</p>
<p>All this also permeates through all my friendships. As said previously many of my friends are poly and also sex-positive. So also i fuck with them quite regularly and even have no problem sharing pictures of this on the web (with their permission) as well. So, where does friendship end and partnership begins? You tell me. I have no idea. Besides: Having sex with a good friend is way better than one-night-stands with strangers imo.</p>
</section>
<section id="about-sexwork" class="level2 page-columns page-full">
<h2 class="anchored" data-anchor-id="about-sexwork">About Sexwork</h2>
<p>Another big thing that follows from this is, that i will also try to get into actual sexwork on the side. Not in the immediate future because i still need to get some things in order (like getting PrEP approved), investigate how, when and where things are done for how much and if it is worth my time - and most importantly: get to know the scene beforehand to not be exploited or worse by some customers that professionals would quickly filter out<a href="#fn2" class="footnote-ref" id="fnref2" role="doc-noteref"><sup>2</sup></a>.</p>
<div class="no-row-height column-margin column-container"><div id="fn2"><p><sup>2</sup>&nbsp;This is actually currently my main concern. If there are people out there that get turned down by other sexworkers for $reasons and i dont know how to spot those things i run a higher risk of meeting them as they will specialize on preying on the people new into the business</p></div><div id="fn3"><p><sup>3</sup>&nbsp;I mean, i am sure i am already on some lists. And more of those are even planned by the government - so what harm does one more?</p></div></div><p>Also in Germany this means registering a business for that purpose, doing proper paperwork, etc. pp.&nbsp;And also land on a handful of lists that can easily get me killed if Nazis come back in power<a href="#fn3" class="footnote-ref" id="fnref3" role="doc-noteref"><sup>3</sup></a>.</p>
</section>
<section id="about-social-media" class="level2">
<h2 class="anchored" data-anchor-id="about-social-media">About Social Media</h2>
<p>This one was i thing that i only decided recently. I am active in the Fediverse and always liked it. What i did not like is to split myself onto two or more accounts. I mostly did it for the convenience of others. Like when they want to follow me with their business accounts or whatever. Why do <em>i</em> have to fragment myself for their convenience? Just dont auto-expand CWs in your client or on your business-machine. Then you wont be forced to see a closeup of my tits in the middle of your workday when your boss just walks around the corner.</p>
<p>My problem then also is that my main and my lewd-account dont get equal attention. Sometimes the main gets not even looked at for a week (just bosts stuff i see on my lewd that i would post on my main - and thanks to fedilab i can just long-press boot and say boost as main-account), not answering to people questioning me and so on. And even if i try to separate those the lewd-account always ends up being more of a main-account than my main. I got many more meaningful connections and answers there, more fun looking and interacting with other people (you know? The <em>social</em> in social media? Not just “Building an Audience” -.-) and also feel more at ease there.</p>
<p>That why i have decided to merge my main (non-lewd) account into my lewd account. <strong>If you want to follow and interact with me, you get the <em>full</em> me.</strong> Ramblings on NixOS? Sure. Research with LLMs? Yup. Pictures from Conferences i attend? You bet. Details from the after-show? Oh yeah :smirk: . Political posts from my hometown? Absolutely! You can always choose to block posts with i.e. “lewd” or “sex” in the CW. You can always choose to not open the post with such a CW. But dont come to me complaining about what you saw there.</p>
</section>
<section id="final-remarks" class="level2">
<h2 class="anchored" data-anchor-id="final-remarks">Final remarks</h2>
<p>No, this whole post is <em>not</em> an invitation to just hit on me, when we never interacted in at least a semi-personal way. Additionally depending on the context (i.e.&nbsp;if we only interact work-related or have some kind of hierarchical relationship (mentor-student, boss-employee, ..)) conversations about my activities <em>not</em> related to the current topic at hand will not happen. So dont even think about asking lewd related stuff in a non-private or at least semi-private setting.</p>
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